I have grown up with this idea that I need to be in the forefront. That my value is determined by my ability to be seen and noticed. Not only is this damaging for my mental health, but I also think it is against my new views and beliefs on disability justice.
I work with neurodivergent individuals. I remember a time when I would talk about how “special” they were to me. I would cry and all of a sudden, the narrative shifted from one about disability to one about me. It seemed almost equivalent to white tears…maybe they were “abled tears” (Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha in “Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice”). (For those not familiar with the term white tears, this is when white people start to cry when they are presented with information about racial injustice. While showing emotion isn’t bad, white people publicly crying about injustices done to BIPOC individuals shifts the attention to them and comforting them.) When I talked about the injustices done to my clients I would cry and the discussion was no longer about them and how to change systems/organizations- it was about me. It was about people comforting me and telling me how great I was and how patient I was. In addition to stopping the conversation, this also perpetuated the idea that I was this neurotypical savior, and I was sacrificing so much to help the poor disabled people.
In an effort to change this mentally I have done a lot of reading in the area of disability justice and advocacy. I learned that if I want to be a disability advocate, that is not something that I get to decide. I don’t get to wear a disability justice shirt, throw some money at an organization and say “Look at me! I am a disability advocate”. No- the disabled people decide if I am an advocate. And if I am making the conversation about me and using them to make myself look better, then I am not being an advocate.
One of the best ways for me to advocate for those with disabilities is to help lift their voices so that others can hear about their experiences. Specifically, this means that if I talk about what I learned from them I give them credit. I give them credit for talking about their lived experiences. I publicize what they have to say so that more people can be educated about the lived experiences of neurodivergent individuals.
In order to be an advocate, I need to step back and get rid of this idea that my effectiveness and my worth is someone synonymous with how many people see me. Thus, I am going to start bringing attention to individuals with disabilities by quoting them, promoting their works and helping to increase their visibility.