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In the last post, I mentioned how teaching “Good Touch” and “Bad Touch” wasn’t the most effective way to teach safety skills. So, what do we do instead? Instead, we should be teaching “Wanted Touch”, “Unwanted Touch” and “Confusing Touch”. 

            A “Wanted Touch” is a touch that is welcome and wanted. This will differ for each person. I love that this concept gives each individual control over what type of touch they want, it doesn’t make a blanket statement that one type of touch is safe for all people.

            An “Unwanted Touch” is a touch that isn’t wanted or welcome. An unwanted touch may be a touch that doesn’t feel good, but is necessary to keep the individual safe. For instance, a shot can be an “Unwanted Touch”. We may not like the way it feels, but it necessary for us to stay safe. 

            A “Confusing Touch” is when the touch isn’t clearly good or bad. This could be a long hug from a family member that you don’t feel close to. It is a touch that doesn’t fit in the context of the relationship. For instance, rough housing with siblings might fit in the context of that relationship. However, rough housing with an acquaintance may not. A “Confusing Touch” can also be a touch that conflicts with the value of the receiver. For instance, I grew up in a very conservative religion and I dated a guy who didn’t believe in kissing longer then 3 seconds. Kissing for longer than 3 seconds went against his values. Lastly, a “Confusing Touch” is one that might feel good but is shrouded in secrecy and shame. For instance, someone touching your genitals might feel good, but the individual doing it might tell you not to tell anyone.

            It is so important to teach neurodiverse individuals to communicate if they ever have a question about the type of touch they received. There are so many grey areas. This is natural- and as it should be. There are grey areas because everyone has different values, different preferences and different lived experiences. One way to stay safe even when grey areas are present is to make sure that neurodiverse individuals have safe people that they can talk to. A safe person is going to be someone that they feel comfortable talking to (especially about personal things). 

            Here is an example of how a conversation could go:

Child crying: Mom, the doctor hurt me!

Parent: How did they hurt you?

Child: They put a shot in my arm and it didn’t feel good.

Parent: Oh, it sounds like that was a touch that you didn’t want, huh?

Child: Yeah.

Parent: That must have felt scary. Thank you for telling me. The doctor was giving you the shot to keep you healthy. So, even though you didn’t like it, it will keep you safe.

Talking about touch this way help you validate your child’s feelings about the touch, get more information about the context of the touch and explain the purpose of the touch.

References: SIECUS Report; Sexual Abuse October/November 2000, “The Touch Continuum: Part of a Risk Reduction Curriculum” by Cordelia Anderson M.A.

I recently started doing some parent trainings on various socio-sexuality topics. My most recent one was about Abuse Prevention by teaching individuals to self advocate. For people who are interested, but couldn’t come, this is what we learned.

Before doing these trainings I research a ton. I wish I could take credit for some of these insightful thoughts, but I can’t. One thing I learned was about how teaching “good touch” and “bad touch” is not only ineffective but potentially dangerous. For those who aren’t familiar with this, look at the graphic below for a basic run down.

There are a few reasons why this concept should not be taught:

• When we use words like “bad” to describe actions, we might be inadvertently teaching the individual that they are bad. For instance, if a boy is touched no his penis by another person and he knows that someone touching those areas is “bad”, he might start to identify that HE is bad.
• “Good touch”- “Bad touch” is too black and white. Consider these examples:
  • A touch that hurts or feels bad isn’t always “bad”. For instance, getting a shot might not feel comfortable but it isn’t bad in the same way sexually abusive actions are bad, because it is keeping us safe.
  • A touch that feels good can be considered abusive. For instance, sometimes when an individual is raped, they experience an orgasm. Myrtle Wilhite, an MD with experience in sexuality education talks about an woman who came to see her who had an orgasm when she was raped. She said, “Orgasms are reflexes, the result of a combination of physical stimulation and arousal. When this guy touched her non-consensually (physical stimulation), her body responded to the high arousal of fear, and she had an orgasm. It does not mean she consented to the experience, enjoyed it, or was asking for it. This type of experience can be quite confusing to abuse survivors, because under certain stressful circumstances, the body can have automatic responses that we cannot control.
  • A touch that is considered good can still be unwanted and harmful. For instance, your ear isn’t considered private. But if someone were to lick your ear or suck your ear this action might still be unwanted.

So, it is time to do away with “Good touch” and “Bad touch”. In the next post I will talk about what we can do instead.

References:

https://www.philachildrensalliance.org/fullscreen-page/comp-jpirm2rt/e441b200-9573-4bfe-bd4a-754209ffad72/7/%3Fi%3D7%26p%3Dqnuav%26s%3Dstyle-jpirm2xj

http://agentsofishq.com/is-good-touch-and-bad-touch-an-unhelpful-shortcut-to-teaching-kids-about-consent/

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/2349301120190112

The latest parent training I did was on “Sex Ed: More Then Body Parts”. I wanted to give this training because there is so much that incorporates a comprehensive sex ed program… and it is not just about an individual’s ability to identify a penis or a vulva. I remember teaching a previous student about sex and it was really just me putting a picture in front of her and having her circle the private parts on the body. It was incomplete and ineffective… and I wish that I had known that sooner. So, here is what I learned about what should be included. 

According to, Advocates for Youth, “The goal of sex education is to help young people navigate sexual development and grow into sexually healthy adults. To be effective, sex education must include medically accurate information about a broad range of topics such as consent and healthy relationships; puberty and adolescent development; sexual and reproductive anatomy and physiology; gender identity and expression; sexual identity and orientation; interpersonal and sexual violence; contraception, pregnancy, and reproduction; and HIV and other STDs/STIs. Quality sex education goes beyond delivering information. It provides young people with opportunities to explore their own identities and values along with the values and beliefs of their families and communities. It also allows young people to practice the communication, negotiation, decision-making, and assertiveness skills they need to create healthy relationships— both sexual and nonsexual—throughout their lives, advancements in medical technologies; developments in communications platforms, including social media, and the increasing use and impact of technology within relationships; increased focus on bodily autonomy, consent, and sexual agency; updated laws and policies on such topics as bullying, sexting, and access to and availability of sexual and reproductive healthcare; continual evolution in language related to gender, gender identity, gender expression, sexual orientation, and sexual identity; inclusion of power and privilege, conscious and unconscious bias, intersectionality, and covert and overt discrimination, and the principles of reproductive justice, racial justice, social justice, and equity; emphasis on prevention, recognition, and intervention related to sex trafficking and sexual exploitation; and impact of youth having increased availability and access to sexually explicit media.”

Everything in blue should be included in a comprehensive sex ed program. That is overwhelming, to say the least. I wanted to share some resources that might make the whole thing less overwhelming. The first is, “Guidelines for Comprehensive Sexuality Education 3^rd Edition” made the “Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States” (SIECUS). It breaks sexuality down into topics (i.e. Human Development, Personal Skills) and includes objectives for each topic that are broken into levels based on the individuals age. I love the format, because you can look at where your individual is and automatically see what they need to do next. 

I recently attended a virtual training by Dave Hingsburger. This guy is amazing! He has done some incredible work, especially with regards to respecting the rights of individuals with disabilities. During the session, Dave talked about the need to teach relationship skills to individuals with disabilities. In fact, he emphatically said that we (professionals, clinicians, anyone who work with individuals who have disabilities) should be apologizing to people with disabilities for not giving them the opportunities or teaching them the skills needed to have relationships.

Relationship skills are more than skills that should be used after a relationship has gone bad. I used to think that the most important thing you can teach an individual with a disability is to say “no” or report if abuse has happened. And while this skill is definitely necessary, it should be taught in addition to skills that will enhance relationships (communicating your needs, compromising, knowing what you value in a potential partner, reciprocating, being assertive, how to respond to different opinions/values). The end goal is to help individuals with disabilities form relationships. Having relationships (whether they are romantic, not romantic, in person, online) increases quality of life, for everyone. Additionally, being able to have close relationships with others can also deter some of the negative outcomes that are common for individuals with disabilities. So, what can I, as a clinician do?

1. Provide opportunities for individuals with disabilities to be social. In the groups I lead I have found that so many of my clients want to do things with other people in the group. I have tried to gradually remove myself from the picture to see how far they can get into the planning stages and follow through. They will bring up an idea, everyone gets super excited and then planning stops. They need prompts to see who is free on what days/times (there are a lot of schedules to coordinate), talk about where it will happen (it should be in a general location so everyone can get there), how they will get there (who has access to a ride and who doesn’t?), etc. That is a lot of executive functioning skills…
2. Teach the executive functioning skills needed to follow through with relationships
3. Don’t discount online relationships. Many of my clients prefer online relationships because they don’t have to worry about interpreting body language/facial expressions and because they have time to formulate a response. If it is working for them, then who am I to take that away.

I think it is extremely important for me to learn about autism from someone who has autism. I’ve been reading a book called “Sincerely, Your Autistic Child: What People on the Autism Spectrum Wish Their Parents Knew About Growing Up, Acceptance and Identity”. One of the contributors to the book was talking about people who call themselves an “expert” in the field of autism. She said, “A hundred degrees on the wall from top universities ma make you an expert in the field of a disorder, but they will never make you an expert on being Autistic” (p. 152). I love that! In the past I had a tendency to get cocky. I thought that my degrees and my experiences as a teacher/clinician/sister to someone with autism, made me all knowing. I look back at that and just cringe. I am ashamed that I thought I could effectively connect with someone without taking the time to really understand how they experience the world. 

There is one other chapter in this book that brings up extremely important information about teaching boundaries and Sex Ed. Recently, I have been leading online groups for individuals with disabilities. In one of my groups, I was talking about consent. Consent can get a bit tricky because it is not black and white. What makes people feel comfortable or uncomfortable is going to differ for each person. One person may feel comfortable consenting to a kiss on the lips, while another person may not feel comfortable consenting to that. So, teaching the concept of consent is more than just teaching someone to say “no”; it is also about teaching an individual to know what feels comfortable and uncomfortable to them. Turns out, this concept isn’t easy to teach either. Here’s why.

There is a tendency for many neurotypical individuals to focus on compliance. I recently virtually attended an incredible webinar about this topic. The webinar was given by Kelly Mahler and an autistic self advocate (I can’t find her name, so I wasn’t able to add it). They taught that this focus on compliance also teaches neurodiverse individuals to ignore their needs and the internal signals that their body is giving. For instance, if a neurodiverse child needs a break but we say that it is not time for a break then we are teaching them that our demands are more important than their needs. If a neurodiverse individual says that they need to use the bathroom, but we say that it isn’t time for a bathroom break then we are teaching them that their needs are not as important as our schedule. The more this continues, the harder it is for neurodiverse individuals to understand what cues their body is telling them. These cues not only refer to hunger/thirst or needing to use the toilet. These cues are also related to comfort/discomfort/anxiety/pain.

So, taking it back to consent. Individuals (all individuals, although I have been focusing on neurodiverse individuals) need to attend to their internal experiences and they need us to honor those experiences. When we are honoring their sensory needs, we are teaching them that those feelings matter. Karen Lean (a contributing author in “Sincerely, Your Autistic Child”) said, “I strongly connect disrespecting my sensory boundaries with a vulnerability to unwanted sexual contact… If you deny your child’s desires and pain around her sensory world, she may learn that her body and boundaries are not worth respecting” (p. 49).

I am still learning how to apply all of this knowledge, but here is what I am trying to do. Because I work a lot with adults (who have had years of people telling them that their internal experiences and sensory needs didn’t matter), we go back to step 1 and practice experiencing and labeling sensations. We do experiments together that focus on bodily sensations and pair language with those sensations. I’ve also started to ask more questions. Questions allow me to understand where my client is coming from instead. Prompting what I think the correct response is only teaches the client to say what I want to hear (which is incredibly dangerous in the long run). My goal as an ethical clinician is to understand my client’s needs and help them communicate those needs to others. 

References:

Hi! My name is Tricia and I love what I do. I especially love the learning part (I guess I am just a life long learner). There is incredible research out there and I want to share the wealth. So, the purpose of this blog will be to share research-based evidence and layman’s terms and to talk about how to apply the research in real world settings. 

A NOTE ABOUT LANGUAGE

There is quite a bit of debate about how to refer to neurodiverse individuals. People who are advocates of person first language want to put the identity first and the disability second (person with autism; person with an intellectual disability). This is done to put the value of the individual BEFORE the disability. However, some advocates are claiming that that language is harmful because it implies that person is incomplete or flawed. This is especially true for autistic advocates who say, “It is impossible to affirm the value and worth of an Autistic person without recognizing his or her identity as an Autistic person. Referring to me as “a person with autism,” or “an individual with ASD” demeans who I am because it denies who I am.” (The Significance of Semantics: Person First Language: Why it Matters by Lydia Brown) I believe that both arguments are seeking to place value in all individuals, but they each have different ways of doing it. In the end, I think that decisions about language should be made by the individual. I believe that we should refer to them using language they prefer.

With that being said, I want to spread awareness of the Neurodiversity Movement as much as I can. So, I am going to choose to use language synonymous with that, unless a person or organization I am talking about says others. 

I am also trying to be inclusive regarding the pronouns I use. I want to validate people by using the names/pronouns they are comfortable with, or (if I don’t know what they are comfortable with) using gender neutral language. 

I acknowledge that I will mess up and may use the wrong language. That is part of learning. 

You may also notice some themes popping up. Currently, my passions are teaching sexuality to individuals with disabilities, trauma informed practices and executive functioning skills. So, that is what you will see a lot of. I hope you enjoy learning with me!

References: