Reading Between the Lines: Selecting Picture Books for Grief Support

Death is one of the most universal human experiences, and yet, for many caregivers, parents, and support staff, it remains one of the hardest topics to bring up. A common concern I hear is that parents/caregivers and staff don’t know what to say in those moments when someone is dying or has died. But picture books can make that conversation a little easier. They offer a gentle, structured way to introduce and talk about death — turning a topic that can feel overwhelming into something approachable and even comforting.

Picture books create a shared reference point. They give you something concrete to read together, a story to point to, and characters whose experiences can mirror the one your child or client is living through. And for individuals with intellectual disabilities or autism who benefit from visual supports, they can be especially valuable.

This proactive approach has a name: death education, sometimes called death literacy. And one of the most accessible, low-pressure ways to begin that conversation is through picture books. I especially love using this strategy for individuals I work with that have intellectual disabilities and autism and can benefit from visuals. However, not all children’s books are created equally. When determining which books are good, I look at a few key things.

Firstly, I pick books where the words “death”, “dead” and “dying” are actually used instead of euphemisms. Research suggests that when working with young children or individuals with cognitive differences, using direct language is key (Ortego et al., 2016; Boggs Center on Developmental Disabilities, 2020). We want to avoid euphemisms like, “passed away” or “went to sleep”.

I also try to pick books that match the death loss of the individual I am working with. For instance, if a child is navigating the death of a pet, I pick a book that focuses on this. Simply providing a book about death may not be the best fit for all death losses and we want to make sure we are picking one that matches the individual’s experience. Having a book that does this can help the individual relate to someone else and even use the other person as a reference when figuring out how to recognize, understand and express grief.

I also prefer books that model some sort of death ritual. Death rituals are actions or ceremonies that we engage in when a death has occurred. These can be very comforting and can help in the grief process. However, because they are not often done or may be used only in conjunction with a very distressing event, they can bring about some anxiety. Because of this, I like picture books that naturally talk about these death rituals.

I also prefer books that show a variety of grief responses. Crying is often associated with grieving, but there are so many more behaviors that can happen and we really need to normalize all of them. There is no wrong way to grieve.

So far, the focus has been on using books to support someone through grief — but picture books can be equally valuable as a teaching tool, even when no loss has yet occurred. In fact, the same books you might reach for during a time of loss can also be used proactively to introduce children and individuals with cognitive disabilities to the concept of death in a low-pressure, accessible way.

Research tells us that a complete understanding of death is not a single idea — it is actually made up of several distinct concepts that children develop gradually over time. Until someone has grasped all of these components, their understanding of death remains partial. That matters, because how someone understands death directly shapes how they experience and process grief. In order to truly understand death, someone has to understand the following concepts:

• Universality — Death happens to all living things, without exception. No one is immune, including oneself.
• Irreversibility — Death is permanent and cannot be undone. The dead cannot come back to life. This is often one of the harder concepts for young children to grasp.
• Non-functionality (cessation) — All biological and bodily functions stop at death — breathing, heartbeat, sensation, thought, movement. The body no longer works.
• Causality — Death has causes, both internal (disease, organ failure, aging) and external (injury, accident). It doesn’t happen randomly or magically.
• Inevitability / Applicability to self — Not just others die — I will die too. This is a more personal extension of universality.

So, when I am choosing a picture book, I make sure that I am choosing one that matches their developmental level. This ensures that the book is not assuming they have knowledge that they don’t and it addresses topics in a way that is sensitive to that level.

When I am evaluating the quality of picture books, I also look to see which concepts they are teaching in the story. For instance, A Story for Hippo: A Book About Loss by Simon Puttock follows Monkey, whose beloved best friend Hippo is old and eventually dies, leaving Monkey to navigate grief and eventually find comfort in sharing stories about Hippo with Chameleon.

This book talked about irreversibility when it alluded to the fact that Monkey would not see Hippo again. It addressed universality briefly, but it is more implied than specifically taught. It does not address non-functionality, causality or inevitability. That said, knowing which concepts a book does and does not address helps you choose the right resource for your specific goals.

“The Tenth Thing I Love About Barney” by Judith Viorst and Erik Blegvad is one of my favorite picture books about the death of a pet. It is about a boy whose pet cat, Barney died. I love it because it uses the word death, it talks about a variety of grief responses (e.g. not doing things you used to love, crying, not eating) it models death rituals (a funeral for Barney), coping responses and it normalizes that different people have different opinions about what happens to you after you die without giving a definitive answer. This book helped me when I was grieving the death of my cat Fraiser- which shows that picture books can even be helpful for adults who are processing grief.

References

Arruda-Colli, M. N. F., Weaver, M. S., & Wiener, L. (2017). Communication about dying, death, and bereavement: A systematic review of children’s literature. Journal of Palliative Medicine, 20(5), 548–559. https://doi.org/10.1089/jpm.2016.0494

Boggs Center on Developmental Disabilities. (2020). Responding to grief reactions of people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Rutgers, Robert Wood Johnson Medical School. https://rwjms.rutgers.edu/boggscenter

Ortego, C., Aparicio, M., Paz, M., Torres, B., Sarabia, R., Sevilla, L., Álvarez, L., & Agudo, M. J. (2016). Tales: A tool to address death with children. Journal of Hospice & Palliative Nursing, 18(5), 429–435. https://doi.org/10.1097/NJH.0000000000000268