When we talk about death, many of us use softened language like “passed away,” “moved on,” or “in a better place.” This is natural—we want to be gentle. I used these phrases myself until I began researching how individuals with autism and intellectual disabilities understand grief and loss.
What I found was this: using euphemisms can create confusion. Phrases like “Grandma is in a better place” or “Dad went to sleep” don’t provide clear information. Someone might think Grandma is on vacation and expect her return, or become afraid to fall asleep themselves. Misunderstanding like this can lead to unnecessary distress and negatively impact mental health.
In my work, I don’t correct clients for using softer language, but I do check for understanding. For example, one client said a coworker had “passed away,” but couldn’t explain what that meant. Another client referred to her dog as being “in a better place,” but hesitated to say “dead.” I responded gently with clarification and asked the group how they felt about using words like “dead” and “died.” Some of them said it was impolite to use the word “dead” or “died”. Perhaps that was something that they have been taught; but is it something that we should reteach? Why are “dead” and “died” impolite? What do we lose by not using these words?
But maybe that’s something we need to rethink.
When we use softer language to talk about death we are perpetuating this stigma about death- that it is something we don’t talk about. Not talking about death can cause isolation. When we use words like dead/died, we are validating the individual’s experience and indicating that we are open to talking about the loss. Consider this- Grief shared is grief diminished.
We use euphemisms to avoid causing pain, but grief hurts no matter the language. And when the language is unclear, it can prolong confusion and pain. As caregivers, educators, clinicians, or friends, one of the most supportive things we can do is be honest, use clear language, and hold space for the person’s emotions.
If you can’t use euphemisms, what can we say? Here are some tips:
- Provide simple, concrete explanations that a child can understand about why the body no longer works.
- Some individuals with disabilities may not fully grasp the permanence of death and might continue referring to their loved one in the present or future tense. Prepare a consistent, clear response you can repeat each time to gently support their understanding.
- Encourage questions